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Red riding in the hood..
Curtain opens to a ‘Forest scene’. Red Riding, a female, with a red cloak wrapped around her, appears on stage, with a basket and, starts to walk, towards the front of the stage.
Stops. She puts the basket down, turns to talk to the audience.
“Am I or am I not the best girl ever? My poor Granny in bed with a cold and here
I am, on my way, to see her, with a basket of goodies, to cheer her up.”
From behind her, unseen by Red is a wolf. He moves towards her, pointing to the audience, then at her. His hands, mimic her body shape, as he lowers them to pick up a placard, on which is written..
‘Guess, who I, am having for my DINNER date?’
The audience start to shout at Red, she puts her hand to her ear.
“What’s that you are saying, speak up,
I can’t hear you!”
The audience are shouting at her and waving their hands.
“ Behind you! “
“What will blind you?”
“Noooo ! Behind you! A wolf!”
Seconds pass, as the audience, screams louder, until finally, Red, turns.
To let out a gasp, as she sees the wolf
(who, throws the card to the side of the stage) Acting all coy and innocent?
“What, a fine young lady”.
(He licks his lips, a large tongue, lashing across them, dripping saliva.)
“We have here audience.On her way to Grandma's house.
With some delicious treats, are we or are we not, proud of Red?”
The wolf moves to the front of the stage, has the audience engaged, with persuading them, to agree.
are we, ALL; proud of Red?”
“Yesssssssssssss!!” “Indeed we are folks.” My name is Ryan.. I am a famous celebrity amongst others.. within my WOLF pack. An ALPHA.. a true ALPHA..
A dominant, MALE.
“I hope I, am not talking to, a bad wolf, are you a bad wolf?”
Wolf looks at audience.
“A bad wolf, am I? No! I simply thought, you, might like me. “
He turns to look at Red again, (licking his lips the saliva dripping from his tongue)
“To help YOU, by letting me, carry that HEAVY basket, to your grandmas”
“Well I’m not sure.” Little Red Riding Hood, picks up her basket.
The wolf finally, persuades her, to let him, carry it.
“I, want to make sure, you understand wolfie. “May I call you ‘wolfie’? “
He nods his head. moves to take the basket from her.
Mess me around and I’ll”.
From behind her, she removes, to now show the audience, what clearly looks like a ‘tazer’?
She raises it in the air and presses a trigger, a blue flare across the top of it, can be clearly seen and the sound of energy ‘arcing’ between the two terminals.
“You, may carry my basket to Grandma’s but only if you behave!”
(Exit stage right . CURTAIN down.)
Scene two.
Two wolves, are sat on a log in front of some trees, talking.
Enter stage left, a woodsman with a big axe. He sits down behind the trees and he, can hear the wolves talking, but they don’t know he’s there.
“So, Wilf, gave you, the directions to Grandma’s cottage?”
“Sure did! I’ll be there tonight at eight. Not a minute late as you know me.
Oh and I’ll have my money, this time, I might even run to the liver!”
“Well the last time we were all together, you, only managed to pay for, the tongue and, you forgot the barbecue sauce, for the spare ribs.“
“I can’t help it, I’m not much good, at removing body parts, you know that!”
“Lets get moving, we are going to be late getting to Granma’s”
They stand up, exit stage right, still talking.
Woodsman stands up, walks to the front of the stage, looks out over the audience.
“Did you hear that? They’re going to Grandma’s cottage tonight, buying and selling her body parts?
Oh my! That poor sweet old lady. Do you think I ought to find Red and tell her?”
He encourages audience to scream back .
“Find Red, or Grandma’s dead!”
(Exit stage left > CURTAIN. )
Scene three.
Curtain opens, to show the inside of Grandma’s cottage; her bedroom!
Several wolves, dressed in surgical clothes.
One is leaning over the bed, on which there appears to be a coffin?
“200 bucks for the liver, seems a lot if you ask me!
Last time, you wanted to charge 100 bucks, almost bankrupted me. “
“Look its 200 bucks, or no liver; so pay up or, lose.”
“Why Grandma, what big teeth you have..”
A wolf, is seen leaning over the ‘coffin’. In out, shake it all about, before lifting out, the top half of a set of dentures, holds it up, so everyone can see; teeth!
“You don’t make the 100 bucks, until you have the other set as well.”
“Well I think that’s mighty unfair, can we not split the difference and say 50 bucks?
These, need a good clean, they’re rank and I’m not talking ‘TOP RANK’ here.
“OOO you remember those days, when we, waited outside, the TOP RANK night clubs, to see those gorgeous females, leaving almost naked?”
The wolf licked his lips, his large tongue sliding from left to right, dripping saliva.
The other started to sing, Arms up in the air.. “Night fever, night fever..”
The other interrupted him.. “Hush! You’re showing your age!”
They fell about laughing..”Ah those were the days eh? Nothing like half naked puking chicks. Staggering around, in their hen house... Waiting, for cock, in the morning; to crow eh?”
“You up for some scrambled eggs?” More laughter
In the 1970s, Top Rank was a prominent nightclub chain in the UK, with notable locations in Sheffield, Liverpool, and other cities, known for its large size, disco music, and popular "Steely's" nights.
Entering stage right and flinging open the door to the room, is the
Woodsman followed by Red Riding Hood.
The wolves turn to look at them. They, see the wolves, all dressed and, leaning over the coffin, as one of them, ignores the others, lifts out, something? holds it up.
“Oh look at that, come on! Am I not to be congratulated? A fabulous piece of surgery,
if I say so myself.. I, could, become a surgeon.” “NHS in the UK?”
Grandma! You’re all heart!” One of the wolves turns to look at Red.
“Ain’t that right Red.. Grandma, always was, generous to a fault!”
She pulls out the tazer and tazers him.
He is now on stage leaping about before falling flat on his back.
As he recovers, attempting to stand up; regain his balance as he wobbles, she tazers him again. Moving to the front of the stage, she looks at the audience.
“I’ll give him, body parts to worry about. HIS! “ The audience are in fits of laughter.
The woodsman chases one of the wolves, with his axe, around the front. of the stage, as they move to center stage. The audience, unsure of what is actually going on, but amused, by the Tazer incident.. now start to laugh.
“Alright, alright, I’ll pay, another 200 dollars, for the liver. Whats with the woodsman?”
The woodsman, getting hot and bothered, starts to strip?
The audience, are going crazy.. a crescendo of voices screaming out..
Strip.. strip.. strip..!
Suddenly, the sound, bellowing above the audience!
The audience, goes quiet, as the Woodsman AND Red turn around to see; Grandma?
“Whatever is all this racket about. “ 
“Stripping? Who is stripping?! I run a decent, respectable establishment here. There will be NO stripping, unless, you are of course, referring to me.. “
There was a murmur, the general consensus, amongst them being.. “Uhh noo thanks..” Placing the tray down she turns to wiggle her butt in front of them almost ‘twerking’?
Slaps her butt. “Nothing wrong with these!
I, could Disco boogie, with the best of em, back in my younger days..” Another wriggle.
“What the?” howls Red as she faints.
Some seconds later, before she is sat talking to her Grandma.
“I thought you were dead. That bunch of tykes, were planning on selling your body parts ! “
“Are you daft girl? “ She turns looks at the wolves around the bed. Show her will you?”
They lift the ‘coffin’ to an upright position.
In it, everyone including of course the audience, can see it is a likeness of her Grandma to a tee..
Plastic shaped body. Within it, an assortment of body parts; removable pieces.
At the top, a big protruding nose?
One that lights up red and, buzzes if, they incorrectly, attempt to remove any of the pieces.
“We were, NOTE we were!
Enjoying a game of ‘Operation Grandma! “
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